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Previously: Thursday: Last Day

As an unsophisticated writer, I make a lot of mistakes; the obvious mistake in writing about my stay at Green Gulch Farm is that a simple narrative…this happened, then this happened…doesn’t serve the experience well, and I haven’t been skillful about bringing some of the other elements into this story. (The biggest crime, of course, is that I’m expounding at length about subject material which is perhaps best approached in silence.) So I thought I’d continue with my errors, and talk a little bit about the experience overall.

Near the end of my stay, I realized that I could keep the pattern of the days indefinitely and be quite happy; the constant dissatisfaction with life that I normally feel was gone. This “lack of dissatisfaction” is something different than “satisfaction” and is hard to describe, but having the experienced that feeling is something I cherish.

I really did feel different in the hours and days after returning to what we normally think of as the “real world”. Steve said I seemed different; happy. I was. I think I moved more slowly and relaxed. Despite the pain in my legs from sitting, I felt better than I have in years; there were a lot of aches and pains in my back, shoulders, and especially knees that were just gone. I’m guessing that there’s something in my usual environment, possibly food, possibly sitting at a computer, that’s contributing to a lot of background pain and discomfort in my life. It’s slowly crept back in, but I’m more aware of the physcial feelings and am watching for things that affect them.

My room in the guest house

The environment at Green Gulch Farm is warm, natural, and it seeps into a person. My first visits to stores and offices on my return were in sharp contrast. It feels silly to say so, but the experience of walking into a chain drug store was actually painful…the fluorescent lights, bright colors, plastic, smells, the sheer amount of stuff, everywhere…walking into a place like that was like standing next to a big stereo that was suddenly turned on at full volume.

Atrium of the Lindisfarne Guest House

I gained a new perspective on manual work. Normally it’s something I try to fit in around everything else, but it’s actually enjoyable if I elevate it in my own mind as something important and worth doing attentively. I got some new kitchen tools as a result, including an apron (I found it really pleasant to have clean dry clothing underneath after cooking and dishes, and as a signal that “now I’m working in the kitchen”…not ripping CDs, watching TV, or doing any of the other things that might distract me). I’m completely convinced that cooking from scratch is the way I want to eat most of the time, and I’m hoping to cure my own knee pain by staying away from processed foods.

I knew that Green Gulch Farm would be an environment that would be supportive of the work I’ve been doing surrounding eating and food, but I hadn’t realized that it would be the PERFECT place to focus and explore this. After all, it’s a FARM…the whole focus is on food and the cycle of food in harmony with nature.

Getting a snack in the guest house kitchen.

I’ve wondered for a long time now if I would be happier as a vegetarian. It’s much easier for me to pass on meat than on breads and dairy products, and my love of animals is congruent with the practice. But I dislike the idea of being fanatical of a diet…it’s a luxury that’s possible only with the enormous bounty that’s become ours as Americans. Though I haven’t drawn any lines in the sand and am still thinking about it on many levels, I’ve been choosing vegetarian when there’s a choice, and have been trying to experiment with new foods and vegetables-as-main-dish. I’m lucky to be supported in that by our new CSA membership in Laguna Farm.

It’s easier for me to feel satisfied in my eating now, and more obvious to me the affect that foods have on the way I feel. There’s still a lot of work to do here, but there are positive differences, and I think they’re supported by the whole realm of activities and practices I was exposed to: eating, work, food production, outdoors/nature, mindfulness, Zen Buddhism, and zazen.

I couldn’t tell you why sitting meditation…zazen…matters, or what affect it has on mind and body. I can’t explain why anyone would subject their legs to that kind of pain, time after time, while sitting there convinced, “I’m not doing this right.” But I do know that the more I do it, the better life seems for me. After returning from Green Gulch, I now try to do at least a half-hour of zazen every day; I’m not perfect, there are days I skip or do less; there are days I do more. But I do it.

Now, to quell anyone’s worries that I’m going to show up at work with my resignation letter wearing brown robes and shaved head, I’m not sitting here thinking that I’d like to become a Buddhist priest and go live at Green Gulch Farm full-time. But it did open the door to a more satisfying way of living that I’m very interested in, and I’ve long seen Zen as something that might reveal that to me.

As a geographic location and a community of people, it was one of the most beautiful places I’ve ever known. I’ve always liked valleys and canyons, that feeling of being held in a world within a world, and Green Gulch is such a place. I shouldn’t try to describe it too much. But a large part of that is the community. As a guest and as a participant, I felt cared for; it wasn’t overt, and as I described earlier, I had to deal with my own issues of wanting approval and not getting it…but there was a core acceptance, and I think I got a glimpse of what’s really meant by “loving kindness”.

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If you’re looking for a beautiful and inexpensive place for a quiet stay in the Bay Area, Green Gulch Farm might be the answer. Their guest program welcomes those who would like to stay even with no interest in participating in zen practice, and several people were there during my stay doing exactly that.

Here’s the full set of photos from my stay on Flickr.

Previous posts in this series:

• Monday (and backstory): The Road to Green Gulch Farm
• Tuesday: First Full Day
• Wednesday at Green Gulch
• Thursday: Last Day