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At Stone Creek on Sunday, we’ll practice the New Year’s tradition of ringing out the old year’s delusions by taking turns striking the bell until it’s been rung 108 times, once for every one of the 108 delusions that are said torment us. I love this ceremony; instead of the oppressing weight of resolutions, we get the relief of releasing something negative.

I’ve been thinking about what a tremendous year 2008 was for me personally. And it’s been most useful to reflect on it it in terms of delusions I was able to see behind (I don’t feel that I’ve conquered anything!). I thought I’d share some of those….thankfully, I haven’t come up with 108 of them!

If I don’t have a job, I’ll have plenty of time to pursue my interests and an entirely new way to make a living will appear

Well, I honestly didn’t think it was that simple. But I was surprised that there still didn’t seem to enough time to do everything I wanted to do. Nor did I have the energy to do it. I’ve beaten myself up pretty good about being productive and making good use of time. What I didn’t realize is that I need total downtime to recharge, no matter what I’m doing. I still don’t plan for that downtime well, but I’m starting to notice the need a little sooner. I’m also accepting that I can love the idea of some things, but not necessarily pursue them. For example, for now I’m an armchair adventurer and falconer, and rather than feeling disappointment, I’m feeling relief that I don’t have to upend my life in some relentless pursuit of a fantasy.

Downtime means down

If I’m tired and cranky, that means I’m needing to take a nap or relax, right? I’ve been surprised to find that it can actually mean that I need to get my body moving. Easier said than done, but being aware of it helps.

If I need to get a job, I can get a job

This has been a hard lesson. Getting regular paid work has been a struggle. Of course the economy doesn’t help, but I pretty much expected that. When I do get an interview, I’ve been surprised how much employers are putting candidates through. It’s not just your interviewing skills and resume you’ll need to polish…I’ve been given tests, asked to make presentations, and have been asked to submit sample work in a sort of a contest with other applicants. Even then, some of these can’t be bothered, evidently, to send a polite rejection email, which shocks me.

The corollary to this delusion was that I could always get an entry-level job working at a local store or something like that, just to get by…but the truth is, competition for those jobs are fierce, and most folks aren’t looking to fill those positions with tech refugees. There are bright spots on the horizon…but this is much harder than I expected. And I’ve found myself incredibly grateful to those people who have been able to take my resume in their hands, look me in the eye, and make a little friendly conversation. Many of them don’t want to touch it and have a look of panic about them as they explain there’s no way they’re going to be hiring. These experiences will forever change my perspective the next time I’m the one on the employer’s side.

To do permaculture, I need to get some land or join a community

This has been a really tough one to get over. The urge to find land and try to live off it is very strong; finding an intentional community to join (or founding one) is a related version of this. But I remind myself that this is a self-imposed limitation. The foundational ethics of permaculture are care of earth, care of people, and sharing the abundance….none of which require a deed or mortgage to do. If I can break through this delusion, I’ll really be onto something. In zen practice, we understand that we need to sit down in our life as it is, not reaching for an idea of what it could be or was. Likewise, in the practice of permaculture, I take care of the earth and its beings right where I am now. And I realize that the notion of owning land is itself a delusion…just ask the Pomos and the Miwoks and countless other cultures of the past.

If I do everything right, I’ll always be in a good mood; everything will fall into place

Seeing the fallacy of this has really rocked my world. I honestly thought that if I did everything just right, I’d feel cheerful. If I eat right, exercise, stay on top of my to-do list, have my plan of what I’m going to do with my life and stick to it…it goes on and on. I believed that somehow I was in control of an infinite number of factors and that by doing them all correctly, I’d be rewarded by feeling happy. If I’m not feeling happy, I must root out the cause of that and address it.

Now I accept that moods are something that happen to me…and I’m leaning towards the idea that life itself is something that happens to me. I’m not abdicating cause and effect, but I’m seeing the freedom in not putting myself in the position of omnipotent controller.

If I have all the right information, I’ll make all the right decisions (and then I can do everything right and be in a good mood!)

I’ve been thinking about this one a lot lately. I really enjoy reading blogs or searching for information about projects I want to do…but there is so much information to sort through now, I start feeling decision paralysis. And often I find that I spend way too much time researching something that I could have just done my own way anyhow. It’s not just the internet…I tend to collect books, tools, and maybe even classes. If I just have this reference on my shelf, if I just go to that class, I’ll have all this precious information that will make my life better (or, worse, garner me attention by giving me the appearance of being smart without actually doing anything).

To paraphrase Jon Young, feeding yourself a diet predominately composed of information will make you mentally ill. It’s the connections, not information, that create culture, and those connections involve all of our senses…even ones we’ll never realize we have. There is a nugget here that’s very valuable in thinking about my online life. I’m looking to reduce my online reading time; more information is not better. (The next great advance in the web will probably be the one that alleviates my anxiety that I’m missing some crucial piece of information without making me feel like I’m drowning in a flood.)

I’m not giving up the internet or books or tools or classes anytime soon, but I’m watching for situations where they’re only acting as placeholders. Are they just standing in as symbols of things I want to do? If I’m not actually doing them, what’s that about? It might mean I need to change something in my life, and that’s an awareness I want to continue to build.

I am alone

A pervasive and dangerous delusion that affects all of humanity, this manifests in a zillion ways. I’m not even sure what to say about it; it eludes my understanding. But if I can stay aware that it is a delusion, I think it will be one less thing blocking my path. It speaks to the need for connection. What’s really on my mind is how to build community. Instead of bemoaning the fact that we’ve lost our connections to each other, what do I have to offer to help fix it?

Happy New Year!

Strike the bell yourself. What delusions are you ringing out this year? I’d love to hear in the comments.